when i was a ups girl

My first and only real taxpayer job was for the UPS store.  Everywhere else apparently doesn’t count.  Sometimes we called it the ups store, as in ups and downs.  My uniform started out as a simple black polo shirt with the logo. But at some point a secret shopper told on us for not wearing khakis and we got docked points in some reality where points mattered so the owner of the franchise posted a MEMO informing us that it was mandatory to wear khakis as a UPS employee.  After that we looked liked a bunch of stoners in a Gap commercial every day. I also had a name tag that said Jennifer because the owner said that Ifer looked like it was pronounced I-FUR and that was way too weird for him.

My job consisted mostly of sorting envelopes for the people who paid us money every month to keep a little box for us to put mail in.  My other list of duties that I remember was:  receiving packages for the same people who can afford two addresses,  important business documents that needed to be overnighted for a hefty price, sending out packages for either Christmas or commerce–in fact we got a lot of ebay sales,and every now and then a casual stamp for a friendly letter, which of course, since we were the UPS store, we jacked up the price of that particular stamp and made a profit from it.

While I worked there a lot of “irresponsible”things occurred.  Like the time a couple of employees fucked in the bathroom while I vacuumed the place.  Or the time certain Ups store employees racked up lines of coke on the owner’s REO speedwagon cd in the bathroom before sorting the mail.  Suspecting that someone was stealing drugs and investigating the situation might seem like a responsible start, but our crew just opened up the box and suddenly the shipping slip would vanish and all of a sudden everyone was having a good time.  It was rumored that our store-before I worked there- found a kilo of coke and while the two sort of managers split the goods amongst themselves, everyone else got paid a couple hundred to keep quiet about it all.  The most irresponsible I got was getting those coworkers to buy my booze for me and my high school friends. Luckily there was a Ralph’s in the same shopping center.  And just about every Friday or Saturday when I asked whichever coworker of mine to purchase some Vodka for me , it ended up turning into a little bit of extra overtime since we’d rather drink and take our time closing up shop. Thinking back, it wasn’t so bad having an after school job.

The more I worked at the place, the less guilty I felt about all the irresponsible things that I liked to do. I met a lot of people who were not teenagers in high school, like me.  They seemed to have very interesting lives.  There was one girl who had a dragon tattoo in the spot where pubic hair should grow, the tail had an arrow pointing exactly where you are imagining. I remember telling her it was cool, but not really understanding why she felt like showing me when I was trying to sort the mail.  There were two guys who I liked to share a six-pack with when the bossman went home early. They were both interested in being musicians, but usually they just talked about bands they adored. Once they brought in a harmonica and a guitar and it sounded like a barber shop. At one point another guy joined their duo, but since he wasn’t a musician he just offered a joint and suddenly became one of the band.  Sometimes they invited me to join them on their nightly “Doobie Cruise” after work.  One girl found out I was into sewing and asked me to alter some of her favorite jeans which would make it easier for her boyfriend to reach her private parts, but I declined this opportunity. She spent most of the work day on MySpace. Even though they all seem like weirdos to me now, at that point in my life they were like my brand new dysfunctional family and I loved them all.

I was trying to think of what I learned from this experience and I think it was the first time that I realized that the world my parents wanted me to know was not the only world out there.  I think I also learned that it’d be in my best interest to go on and get out of town before I got stuck in that lovely little beach community like everyone else. But most of all, it was way more entertaining than taking notes in trigonometry, in fact I don’t know how I could have made it through the rest of the boring days that high school had become with out that part-time job, so thanks, ups store.